7 Months of Motherhood - the things I never expected to learn

Wilder at 7 Months

July 17, 2014

“Feeling desperate” I just texted my mom. She’s the only person I trust with my son besides his dad, who is at work right now. Turns out grandma is at work too, so I’m on my own today with baby Wilder, who is particularly fussy today. 

Yesterday I looked forward to a day with no appointments today. In reality, I need to take him to Dominican Hospital to get blood drawn for his monthly lab work. Plus I need to pump breast milk 3-4 times for his night feedings, done by G-tube, straight to his belly. He needs this because he can’t get all the nutrition he needs through breastfeeding, probably because it exhausts his damaged lungs, but we’re not sure. His lungs suffered damage from an infection in the NICU. I pump breast milk more often than I sit down to eat. 

Tomorrow Wilder turns 7 months old. Born at 25 weeks and 2 days, he spent the time he should have been in my belly in an incubator at Stanford’s Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital in Palo Alto, an hour away from our home in Santa Cruz. 

A year ago I got pregnant and it changed everything. I had just started dating Wilder’s dad when it happened. We quickly decided we’d try to make things work and became monogamous. We fell in love in between prenatal ultrasounds and hikes in the woods.

During my second trimester I gave birth to Wilder extremely prematurely. We will never know why it happened. I had a normal pregnancy until I went into labor. We spent a hellish 3.5 months at Stanford before Wilder came home to Santa Cruz. 

Everyone knows parenthood is a life-changing responsibility. What I didn’t expect was how becoming a mom also brought me a freedom greater than I have ever known. The freedom to focus on one thing - my son. He is the most important thing to me, period. I have the responsibility of a life I created in my hands. I am going to do the best job I can as his mom. 

Wilder has been home for 3.5 months now - a milestone meaning he’s been home for as long as he lived in the hospital. He’s also been alive longer than he was in my belly. 

I check on his breathing many times a day, even though they keep telling me his lungs sound “perfect.” I can’t stop because it’s a compulsion, driven by fear carried over from the NICU. I’m working on it.

I laugh when he farts as loud as an adult. I feel guilty when I’m too tired to soothe his cries effectively. I feel euphoria when he smiles at me. I feel frustrated when I don’t know how to keep him content. Motherhood is chock full of feelings - all with a strong undercurrent of love. 

I have moments of self pity. I know millions of new moms all over the world are suffering sleep deprivation, but hardly any of them are dealing with daily doses of thyroid medication or granulation tissue growing around a G-tube site on their child. For the first time in my life I am certain that others hear my story and say to themselves, “Thank god that isn’t me.”

One of the most poignant lessons I learned through our NICU journey is the power of love over circumstance. Surviving the NICU, I realized that the love we feel for Wilder is as deep and true no matter what health problems he experiences. And with that love comes joy. Even when Wilder was fighting for his life - as a parent - we were still thankful for the miracle of his existence. The love we feel for Wilder is so much stronger than the trauma, illness, and pain we’ve felt.  

Our life is ridiculously difficult right now. By the end of the day mommy and daddy are zombies when Wilder has his nightly breakdowns, made all the worse because he’s an early teether. It’s intense. Thankfully, our life is intensely wonderful too. Wilder’s giggling and babbling make it all ok. When he looks out of his carrier up at the trees when we are on a hike it makes me feel like we’re doing a good job. The doctors say that Wilder looks so healthy and normal, they would never guess he was a “25-weeker.” 

I didn’t expect my journey into parenthood to bring me face to face with helplessness and fear. I also didn’t expect it to continue to feel like surviving a battle having Wilder at home. Thankfully, the payoff of having a thriving baby is huge and brings me much joy. I’ve also learned a thing or two about human suffering, which has made me a much more compassionate person. The more compassion in this world the better - Thank You Wilder. 

The first time I held Wilder - he was 6 weeks old